In a remarkable turn of events, Donald Trump has held a press conference to confess he had confused the meaning of of the word collusion with that of ‘Confucian’ – someone who subscribes to Chinese philosophy. Trump advised the shocked press gallery that he had stumbled upon the true meaning of collusion accidentally when he typed it into google instead of twitter.
In a rambling statement, Trump went on to reassure everybody that he was not a Chinaman, and he still wanted America to be great again, but only if America’s interest aligned with his own.
“Yeah so this whole time I thought you guys were saying I loved China or something, and I want to be very clear, I like China, I think they’re a very nice country, but I am not a Chinaman, I am an American. I want America to be great again” …
“Bad Obama and crooked Hillary, they would have never colluded for America the way I did. I am just a really smart guy and understand that Russia is a true friend and can help me, well us… America”
When asked whether he thought this vindicated the investigation into his campaign’s collusion with Russia, Trump argued the investigation was meritless though conceded Mueller may have been on to something.
“It’s is a democratic witch-hunt, which just so happens to be right on this one occasion”.
Initial polls indicate the admission of collusion has resonated positively with republican voters, who were pleased the President confirmed he was not a Chinaman, and still wanted America to be great again.
Trump finished the conference by exclaiming loudly “I hereby pardon myself”, and throwing up double peace signs.