US news

Kim Jong-un distances himself from Trump after human rights abuses on the border

North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un has sought to distance himself from United States President, Donald Trump, following the escalating situation on America’s southern border.

Kim Jong-un

Mr Trump’s policy of forcibly separating children from the families of asylum seekers has caused widespread criticism both inside and outside of America, and has culminated with the UN this week citing the policy as a human rights violation.

Images and audio recordings of children, some only months old, being pulled away from their parents and forced to live in cages have been widely shared online and have added to the growing pressure for Mr Trump to end the policy.

Mr Kim spoke publicly last night on the immigration policy stating that it was both inhumane and unjust. Mr Kim went on to distance himself from having any similarities to Mr Trump, and even raised doubt over whether North Korea would host another summit while America continued with its current policy.

“I am deeply disturbed by the stories I am hearing from America’s southern border. If I had have known what he was doing, I would have told him to stop it during our recent meeting. While our summit of equals made much progress, I will not be meeting Trump again until he stops this clear and direct violation of human rights.”

Mr Kim’s comments are particularly interesting, noting North Korea’s own systemic and enduring human rights violations. While critics have argued Mr Kim has no legitimate basis for his accusations, others have pointed to his statement as a clear indicator of just where America is ethically and morally positioned in the international arena.

Mr Trump has responded to the claims the United States is committing human rights violations by pulling out of the UN Human Rights Council. Mr Trump was heard stating that America can’t be in violation of human rights if they did not consider humans as having rights.

Young democrat struggles with feelings in wake of successful US-North Korea summit

Jordan Francis,  a 28 year old democrat living in L.A is today struggling with how he is feeling following the US-North Korea summit, which wasn’t an overwhelming failure.

Francis is not alone in his despair, psychiatrists have reported a huge spike in democratic clients scheduling emergency meetings, with many of them citing a mysterious uneasiness that has washed over them this morning.

We were able to sit down with Francis, after he called in sick, to get to the bottom of his feelings.

“I don’t know, I just feel so hollow. This whole time I have been so sure that Trump is so inept and basically barely functioning, yet here he is actually making headway on one of the most complicated issues the world is facing. It’s like I want the summit to fail, just to vindicate my beliefs, you know?”

What Francis has slowly come to realise is that he, and many other democrats, are for the first time watching Trump not completely screw something up in the worst way possible, and they don’t know how to deal with the new experience.

Linda Maloney, a leading expert in the field of political psychology, explains the phenomena is caused as democrats subconsciously want to correct the imbalance caused by the successful summit, and the only way they can do that is to hope the talks fail and North Korea moves back to its standard nuclear debauchery. This secret and unstated hope for nuclear proliferation is causing these feelings of desolation.

When asked if there was any hope for the democrats, Maloney said that we all need to remind ourselves that a broken clock is still right twice a day, and that even with all failings Donald Trump may actually be able to do some good, even if it is accidental.

Kim Jong-un announces new chain of Trump Hotels will be developed in North Korea

North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un has announced North Korea will be the next home for a new chain of Trump Hotels.

The announcement followed his first meeting with US President, Donald Trump held during the US-North Korea summit in Singapore today. Mr Kim has denied the contract had anything to do with the summit, and was not discussed during his meeting with Mr Trump.

The chain of hotels is forecast to be a multi-billion dollar contract for the Trump Organisation, which Mr Trump supposedly no longer has anything to do with after relinquishing control to family members before becoming President in 2016. Despite this, the announcement has created much speculation as to Mr Trump’s true motives for the summit, and indeed his Presidency.

Responded to accusations of corruption, Mr Trump made the following official statements on twitter.

The FAKE news media wants you to believe that I had something to do with the North Korean Trump Hotel contract! So SAD! I just met Kim, and let me tell you, he is a smart SMART man (1/2)

…and of course would want the best hotel chain in his country! He is so smart, and honest that I am also considering lifting all sanctions on North Korea. It will be good for AMERICAN business! (2/2)

The suggestion of lifting sanctions has only further fuelled suspicions the hotel deal may have been struck during the bilateral engagement, in which nuclear non-proliferation was supposed to take centre stage. As yet, there has been no mention of an agreement which would see any steps towards the denuclearisation of North Korea.


Trump confesses to colluding, admits to mixing up collusion with Confucian

In a remarkable turn of events, Donald Trump has held a press conference to confess he had confused the meaning of of the word collusion with that of  ‘Confucian’ – someone who subscribes to Chinese philosophy. Trump advised the shocked press gallery that he had stumbled upon the true meaning of collusion accidentally when he typed it into google instead of twitter.

In a rambling statement, Trump went on to reassure everybody that he was not a Chinaman, and he still wanted America to be great again, but only if America’s interest aligned with his own.

“Yeah so this whole time I thought you guys were saying I loved China or something, and I want to be very clear, I like China, I think they’re a very nice country, but I am not a Chinaman, I am an American. I want America to be great again” …

“Bad Obama and crooked Hillary, they would have never colluded for America the way I did. I am just a really smart guy and understand that Russia is a true friend and can help me, well us… America”

When asked whether he thought this vindicated the investigation into his campaign’s collusion with Russia, Trump argued the investigation was meritless though conceded Mueller may have been on to something.

“It’s is a democratic witch-hunt, which just so happens to be right on this one occasion”.

Initial polls indicate the admission of collusion has resonated positively with republican voters, who were pleased the President confirmed he was not a Chinaman, and still wanted America to be great again.

Trump finished the conference by exclaiming loudly “I hereby pardon myself”, and throwing up double peace signs.